I must strike on this one while the iron is still hot. Or, I should say, while the frying oil is still 375 degrees. That is the temperature for frying doughnuts–and extreme frying is exactly what Krispy Kreme doughnuts is up to. A few years back I gave old Krispy Kreme a piece of my mind when they expanded their territory into my neighborhood. I thought they backed off when I wrote a scathing little article, showed it to some friends and put it in my drawer. Actually, right after that, the company did suffer some setbacks and had to close some of their stores. But, it appears that they have just reconnoitered. They are back with a vengeance.
According to my trusty Parade Magazine, they are now cooking up a Krispy Kreme bacon cheeseburger–a cheeseburger with chocolate-covered bacon on a glazed donut– that weighs in at 1000 calories. I am not exactly sure– they or some regional fast-food chain seem to be pushing these in the midwest. They have got to be kidding me. How do these people go to sleep at night? How do they look at themselves in the mirror? The only explanation as far as I can tell is that they may be up to no good. Our military has had to turn down interested recruits because they are too heavy or can’t pass entry fitness exams. Meeting recruitment quotas is getting more difficult because of this. I’m probably just being paranoid but something seems fishy shall we say. The company’s vision statement actually states “to be the worldwide leader in sharing delicious tastes and creating joyful memories”. Hah! See? Operation Krispy Kreme bacon cheeseburger could quite stealthily advance any plan of domination.
If this explains supply, then what about demand? They could not be using such deceptive weaponry without a corps of unwitting subjects ready to gobble these things up. who is buying these things? Are they my species-mates? Or, are they lemmings, disguised and accessorized? If they are lemmings, they may think this is a much more fun way to go than just marching off a cliff–but oh boy, do I have news for them. Doughnuts of this ilk are not something little mammals should be messing with. Note to lemmings: Undergoing kidney dialysis as a result of diabetes is not joyful.
Well, last time I wrote a little whiny story. This time, what they don’t realize is that I have been doing the Mark Bittman How to Cook Everything Vegetarian Diet and Weightlifting Program. At a $35 cover price, it beats most other products on the market and you get two tools in one. I am now fit and buff while they are downright doughy. Licensed to save the masses from their own mouths I must be more aggressive now. So, I am going to post that article I wrote a few years back (see magical doughnuts-the nutritionist’s nemesis) and hope that it scares Krispy Kreme– and all the other food companies that are creating caloric catastrophes and nutritional nightmares–into a full-scale retreat. If not, there will be no other option but to call Homeland Security–just to be safe.